Tim-Tim Gets Da Chair
by Muchacho1994
Summary: Timmy has a very peculiar day. Multi chapter.
1. Math Class

It was a sunny day outside Timmy Turner's school, which for some reason was unnamed and only had the word "SCHOOL" above the entrance. In the hallways, some students buttfucked, while others had gunfights, shooting each other in the face repeatedly. This was the result of rampant immorality, the cause of which was unknown. Some people suspected it was because society had simply become too politically correct and forgotten right and wrong.

In the classrooms, it was _much_ quieter. Well, at least it was at first.

"All right, what is 154/11(4+1)?" asked Mr. Crocker.

A.J. raised his hand and waved it around, yelling "Pick me, Mr. Crocker! Pick me, you SHITFACE!" He was trying to get the teacher's attention, but only ended up looking really stupid to everyone else.

Crocker sighed loudly. He didn't actually want to be here. He didn't feel like it. He wanted to be home in bed, even if it meant dealing with his stupid mother. "A.J.?" he muttered, finally acknowledging his black student.

"Is it 70?" A.J. guessed.

" ** _NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!1!11!_** " Crocker bellowed in A.J.'s face, so loudly he and several other students surrounding him fell out of their seats. "THE CORRECT ANSWER WAS _**FAIRIEEEESS!**_ "

Timmy and Chester looked at each other in utter bewilderment as their teacher spazzed the hell out.

He handed A.J. a piece of paper with a huge, bold, red letter " **F** " on it, screaming, "YOU! You get an F!" A.J. stared at his paper wide-eyed, but not really giving a crap. He began handing out " **F** " papers to the other students for no reason, starting with Francis. "And YOU, you get an F!" Francis looked at his " **F** " for a split second then ate it. "You get an F... and _yooooouuu_ get an F..." He threw a tall stack of " **F** " papers into the air. " _EEEEVVERYBOOOO_ _DYY GEEEETS AANNN FFFFfffffuh!_ "

He laughed maniacally, having lost all sanity, and started jumping around before cartwheeling out of the room, as " **F** "s floated down from the ceiling.

* * *

Some time later, Timmy was walking across the parking lot behind the school to his bus. His fairy godparents, Cosmo, Wanda, and little baby Poof, followed behind him, disguised as brightly-colored squirrels.

"That was... an... odd day," Timmy said, weirded out from the school day's events.

"Yeah, it was," Cosmo agreed in his screechy high-pitched voice that seemed to get a little higher every season. "The weirdest part was when Mr. Crocker ran out into the street and jumped on people's windshields and made them crash. I remember it like it was only a few minutes ag-"

Wanda slapped Cosmo across the face with Timmy's backpack, then tackled him to the ground and started beating her poor husband to death. "Cosmo, you fucking goddamn dumbass! It _was_ a few minutes ago! We've did that joke so many times, it's not even funny anymore! It was never even that funny to begin with!" After that, she just started saying random swear words, calling him a "bitchass shitcuntface," among other things. It got so bad that Poof started shrieking and Timmy had to break them up.

"SHUT UP!" Timmy screamed, shooting the pink and green squirrels with a twelve-gauge shotgun until they stopped moving. Since they were fairies, they came back to life a few seconds later. "Let's all be quiet and try to have a relaxing bus ride home."

The ride home was _far_ from relaxing. The bus whizzed down the winding roads at top speed, and every turn at an intersection was jerky and made the bus tilt a little. The situation inside the bus was no better. All Timmy wanted was to have a relaxing ride home, but the other kids on the bus had other ideas. They chatted and laughed and played their Game Boys and listened to their iPods without headphones, while one of them played with his paddleball really close to Timmy's face. The pink-capped, buck-toothed brunette boy tried to ignore the other people on the bus and the rougher-than-usual ride home, but it was no use. The bus was two-thirds of the way to his house when some Mexican-looking boy threw a ball and it ricocheted off the side of Timmy's head. Timmy finally decided he'd had enough and pulled the bell cord to stop the bus. He walked down the bus steps, barely holding in his fury. Suddenly, the Mexican kid's ball bounced off the back of his head, knocking Timmy face-down into a puddle on the sidewalk.

There was a pause.

Timmy looked up, then got out of the puddle.

 ** _"YYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"_**

* * *

 _Drop me a beat, DJ, I'm tearin' up this mike_ (beat starts)

 _Yo, yo_

 _Yo, Tim-Tim ain't yo average kid_

 _Nigga do you understand?_

 _OK, so his parents and Vicky are his guardians_

 _But they really don't give a damn_

 _His world is shit, he can't take it_

 _He sobs mathematically, you get me?_

 _Till he gets some fairy bitches that can transform into fishes_

 _And he finds instantly_

 _That he's got fuckin' OddParents, nigga Fairly OddParents_

(Wanda: Bling and cash!)

(Cosmo: Lemme get my stash!)

 _OddParents, mothafuckin' OddParents_

 _Ghetto shit, weed trips, rap pimps, big lips_

 _XBOX noobs, six-fo cruise, drug abuse, Mountain Dew_

 _Big butts, hooker sluts, blood and guts, the po-po izz nuts!_

 _OddParents, bitchin' Fairly OddParents_

 _It flips your shit when you're a wazzock git_

 _With Fairly OddParents_

 _Swag up_


	2. Naked Wrestlin'

"Mom! Dad! I'm home!" called Timmy, slamming the door behind him. Puddle water was still dripping from his hair and face. To his surprise, there was no response, just silence and the distant sound of Sparky's claws clicking on the floor in the dining room as he sniffed around. "Mom?...Dad?" He began ascending the stairs to his room, his fairies following him, still in squirrel form. As he got closer, he started to hear a squeaking sound and what sounded like his parents' voices. He followed the sound and realized it was coming from his Mom and Dad's bedroom.

"Alright, you can go on to my room now," Timmy whispered to his fairies. "I'm checking this out." His fairies poofed away, and Timmy kicked the door open with such force that it nearly came off the hinges. "Aha! I fouuuuunnd...you?"

Timmy's Mom was lying on the bed naked, and moaning, "Oh, yes, honey, fuck me harder," as his Dad, also completely nude, was thrusting his peepee into a hole in Mom's crotch area. Timmy did not understand what was going on, being naive and all, so he just watched in horror with his jaw on the floor.

Finally, Timmy had to interrupt. "What the hell are you guys doing?"

His parents gasped suddenly. "TIMMY! What the fuck do you think you're doing in here?" shouted Mom.

"You are in big, _biiiigggg_ trouble, mister!" added Dad.

"But, Mom, Dad, I just wanted to know where you were," their son protested, "and now that I've found out where you are I still don't know what you're doing!"

His Mom and Dad seemed to soften, remembering that he was still ten. They smiled.

* * *

In Timmy's room, Cosmo, Wanda, and Poof heard the sound of a door opening, then Timmy yelling, then a loud "thump."

"Well, Timmy, did you find out what was going on yet?" Wanda said when Timmy walked into the room.

Timmy rubbed his ass. "Mom and Dad said they were practicing some 'naked wrestling' for some sort of competition. Then Dad kicked me out of the room for some reason."

"Oh, that's nice," screeched Cosmo in his effeminate voice. "We naked wrestle all the time, dooonn't wweee Waaandaa?" Hearts appeared over both their heads and Wanda giggled. Cosmo winked at Timmy.

"...I don't have time for your gushy-mushy bullshit," their godchild muttered after a pause, not getting that "naked wrestling" was a euphemism. He was about to walk away when Jorgen suddenly poofed into the room.

"Timmy, your fairies are no longer all yours! You have to _share them_ with a girl named _Chloe!_ " roared Jorgen.

"Hell, naw, I ain't sharing Cosmo and Wanda with nobody!" Timmy ripped Jorgen's wand out of his hands and jabbed the black stick end in his eye. Jorgen screamed, gushing blood out of his eye. He stumbled backwards through the window, getting glass shards all over him, with one going into his dick.

"You forgot Poooooooof!" Jorgen yelled as he fell, hitting the grass hard and cracking his skull open. Blood was everywhere. But, being a fairy, Jorgen reincarnated and reappeared in Timmy's room. "Timmy, that was the worst thing you have ever done! And do you know that even if I couldn't reincarnate, you would still have to share your fairies?"

" **FUCKIN' SERIOUSLY?!** " hollered Timmy. "I already told you, no one gets to have Cosmo and Wanda but _me!_ "

"And Poof," reminded Jorgen.

Timmy sighed. "And Poof. And I'll make _sure_ I get to keep them for myself, even if that means I have to _kill_ this, this Chloe person!"

Everyone else gasped as a cliché dramatic "dun-dun-dunnnnn" sting played in the background. But then the third "dunnnnn" kept repeating over and over. "Oh, shit, sorry," Jorgen said, turning off the record player.

"Timmy Turner!" Wanda shouted at her godchild. "I can't believe how big of a selfish little _bitch_ you're being! Stop this tantrum right now, or we're going to go live with Chloe and you'll never see us again!"

"Screw you, Wanda! You remind me of my mom, always yelling at me for being _who! I! Am!_ " Timmy fell to his knees. "Cosmo's right! You _are_ naggy, and you know it!" he sobbed.

"Timmy, it's okay," Cosmo said soothingly, putting his arm around Timmy. "I know you didn't expect this news. And I do agree that Wanda is naggy. Do you want a Kleenex?" Timmy nodded, sniffling. Snot was hanging from his left nostril. Cosmo poofed up a box of Kleenex, which allowed Timmy to blow his nose. His male godparent stuck his finger in his ear, then pulled out some jelly with bits of earwax on it. "Want some ear jelly?"

" _EUUUURGH!_ " Wanda, Poof, Timmy, and Jorgen screamed in disgust.

Cosmo put the jelly back in his ear. "What? I had jelly in my ears when Poof was born, and you weren't really grossed out then!"

"If you makes you feel any better, honey, would you like us to not talk about it for a few days?" offered Wanda. "You can get to know Chloe a little bit before we introduce ourselves to her."

"Can I make one last wish before I stop being your only godchild?" Timmy asked, with a little smile.

"Of course you can, sweetie!" answered Wanda.

"I wish the legal driving age in this state was lowered to 10, I wish I had a driver's license, and I wish I had a '66 Chevelle!" Timmy wished.

"Poof-poooof!" Poof squealed, waving his rattle. In a puff of fairy smoke, a driver's license appeared in Timmy's hands and the Chevelle appeared outside in the driveway.

"Oh, my God!" exclaimed Timmy, running outside. "Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my Godddd!" It was beautiful, with a shiny more-blue-than-green exterior and an interior in the same color, with a long, soft, vinyl bench seat in front that could seat three or four tall adults comfortably, and three or four more in the back. "It's got a rare three-on-the-tree, and LAP BELTS! Fuck shoulder belts! Fuck safety!"

He already knew what he was going to use this car for.

To find where Chloe lives, drive to her house, and kill her.

 _Sparky's a good friend_ , thought Timmy, grinning. _Maybe he won't mind helping me kill Chloe._


End file.
